Once Upon a Time in Rikkaidai
by Le Penguin
Summary: Three Sanadas show up at Rikkai one day, with one Yukimura to share. An epic battle of wits commences.


A/N: This was written per request of Cirnelle during a drabble challenge on my Livejournal a while back. She wanted three Sanadas, and dang if she didn't get three Sanadas.

* * *

"Well, Niou, this was a fine idea," said Yagyuu. He tugged on the brim of his black baseball cap. "Variety is the spice of life." 

Niou made a stiff nod and scowled, keeping in character wonderfully. "I know; I'm quite brilliant. What do you suggest that we do first? Assign two hundred laps to Bunta for every bubble pop? Make liddle Aka-chan cut down a redwood with a herring?"

Yagyuu smiled slowly, and wiggled his eyebrows at Niou. Niou returned the smile.

"Or. There's that."

* * *

Yukimura Seiichi was fairly sure he was dreaming. It was far from being an unpleasant dream, he amended as he was groped in new and exciting places. Still, he was afraid that he would soon awaken to the harsh reality of one irritatingly-yet-endearingly clueless Sanada. 

"Ah--"

"Seiichi," Sanada the first whispered into Yukimura's ear. "Do you like that?"

Yukimura nodded helplessly. Another of the reasons that he was rather sure he was dreaming is that, despite all appearances, Sanada really wasn't all that seme. Yukimura had always fancied him the type to just gibber incoherently while his partner had his wicked way with him.

Not that this wasn't a welcome change of pace.

"Genichirou," the second Sanada said. "What say we make him scream?"

The first Sanada chuckled, sliding his hands slowly down Yukimura's back. "I think that's a wonderful idea, Genichirou..."

From the doorway to the locker room, the real Sanada stood paralyzed with confusion. Confusion led to not-so-mild arousal at the sight of a panting and writhing Yukimura, not-so-mild arousal led to jealousy at his non-involvement (well, sort of) in the process, jealousy led to anger, anger led to rage, and rage led to wondering if his ass was really _that_ big. All in all, this great range of emotion led Sanada to make his presence known.

"Goodness, Genichirou," said the second Sanada. "I'm sure that there were other ways to get our attention than socking Genichirou in the face."

The first Sanada nodded in agreement, cupping his rapidly swelling jaw. He would have voiced agreement, had he the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Yukimura's eyes lit up. "...another? This is getting better and better..." he gasped, reaching a hand out to stroke the real Sanada's cheek.

The real Sanada shivered at Yukimura's touch, leaning his face against the other boy's hand. Suddenly, he remembered his mission: other people touching Yukimura. Maul them.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" growled Sanada. "Get your hands off of Seiichi."

The second Sanada clicked his tongue. "Now, now--if it's _you_ touching Seiichi, it's not really stealing, now is it? Besides, Seiichi seems to have no problems with it."

Yukimura was staring at Sanada with such intensity that it seemed his clothes were about to burn off. The real Sanada swallowed. Stay firm, man. Stay firm.

"S...Seiichi," Sanada managed to get out. "You know it's me. Right?"

Yukimura blinked, trying to catch his breath. "I'm not in any position to make judgments right now."

"He does have a point, you know," the first Sanada slurred, rubbing his face.

Sanada looked mightily uncomfortable. It might've been because of the erection.

"...maybe...a test, then?" he hazarded.

"Does this mean I'll have to wait longer for you three to get on with it?" Yukimura asked.

All three Sanadas tugged down their caps simultaneously and mumbled out a sad little "yes..." Yukimura flopped back with a groan.

"Ugh. Fine." He stood up, yanking the three Sanadas out the door. "But we better get this all settled before I wake up."

* * *

Yanagi flipped through his notes, expression neutral. "Physical tests so far have proven to be inconclusive, and I don't think any of us want the mess of getting a DNA sample." 

Sanada the second licked his lips at Yukimura. "Don't be so sure about that."

The first Sanada nodded his approval, and the real Sanada (despite himself) was inclined to agree as well.

"Then _I_ don't want the mess of getting a DNA sample," Yanagi clarified. "I do have to commend whichever two of you are false for your impressive recreation of Genichirou's various markings, and I'll thank you not to filch my data books again. In any case, we shall resort to behavioral tests. I've prepared some questions for Seiichi to ask you three to determine your reaction to various stimuli."

Yanagi handed a stack of index cards to Yukimura, who was slowly regaining his composure next to him. "Whenever you're ready."

Yukimura shuffled through the deck, visibly irritated that his fun was halted so early. He selected a card: "Bachelor number one--if I was a tree, how would you climb me?" He blinked, then frowned at Yanagi. "When did you write these?"

Yanagi just shrugged. The first Sanada stroked his chin (as well as he could, being that it was heavily ice-packed), deep in thought.

"Well," he said. "I suppose I'd climb you like a rabid monkey and steal all of your bananas."

Yukimura rose an eyebrow. "That was the worst line I've heard in a while. You're certainly in the running for Real Genichirou."

Sanada the first looked triumphant. Yukimura began to flip through the cards again.

"Bachelor number two--Akaya has contracted a head cold, and has flooded the showers by passing out in them while the water was running. What do you do?"

"Tarundoru," the second Sanada stated simply.

"One can't really say that that's not an adequate response," noted Yanagi to Yukimura. Yukimura nodded in agreement.

"Bachelor number three," continued Yukimura. "You come home from a hard day of practice, and enter your bedroom to find me lying on your bed in a skimpy silk negligee. The candles are lit, there's romantic music, and rose petals are strewn across the silk sheets. I beckon to you to come. What do you do?"

Sanada the third, proving his status as the Real Sanada, passed out from bloodloss. Yukimura shook his head, chuckling.

"Very nice questions, Renji," said Yukimura. "I don't think the illustrations on the negligee one were necessary, though."

Yanagi smiled innocently. "I was merely trying to set the mood for the question, you understand."

"I'm sure," replied Yukimura.

He rose from his seat, walking over to where the real Sanada lay. Sanada weakly lifted his head, and nearly fainted again when Yukimura began to run his fingers through his hair.

"Seiichi..." he whispered.

Yukimura smiled softly. "Since I have my one real Genichirou, I'll have to work you as hard as three. Hope that's not a problem?"

Sanada had no qualms about the offer. Niou and Yagyuu, bits of their Sanada costumes undone, swaggered over to Yanagi.

"Excellent questions, my dear data man," congratulated Niou. "You penetrated our disguises, saw through our ruse, shattered our hoax--"

"--and also let our dear vice-captain have some fun with Yukimura," finished Yagyuu. "The negligee scene is likely set up in Genichirou's room by now, as long as Akaya hasn't chewed anything, Bunta hasn't attempted to down all of the bottles of wine, and Jackal hasn't had an aneurysm."

"We'll keep them here for a few more minutes, just in case," said Yanagi. "I don't think that they'll mind."


End file.
